Left of the Dial

perfectly imbalanced

It's something they never tell you ahead of time. Or maybe they do and you just can't really understand it until you experience it for yourself. How sometimes you'll be looking at your kids and your heart will physically hurt from how much you love them, how lucky you feel you are, how undeserving. 

And then other times they'll do or say something—or many somethings—and you think, yeah, that guy had a point. 

busted

I've finished reading the bedtime story to the three youngest—my fourth, I think, and final time through The Lord of the Rings, he said sadly—and I finish with the family ritual my late, great brother John introduced me to, which is asking each of the kids to say something good about their day; Johnny had his boys list three things each, I believe, but I've got way more kids, and their lives are apparently exponentially less rich, because they sometimes struggle to come up with a single good thing about their day. (To be fair, if I allowed The Brawn to list video game-related stuff, he'd never have any problem listing a dozen good things about his day.) 

They each cough up a good thing about their day, and then Max—who's taken to sitting in on our evening's reads–adds hers. I call into the blue room (which isn't blue) to ask Bean for her good thing about the day, as usual, and she chimes in. I don't bother asking the Rose, because although I can't see her, she's always got headphones on at this time of night and can't hear us anyway. 

As we're wrapping up, the Brawn does something that annoys the Golden Weasel. "Please don't," she says, the words polite, the tone sharp, and although I didn't see what happened, I saw her twist her body in a way that would indicate he'd probably poked her in the back with a toe. 

It's late, I don't feel like getting into it, since I'm heading downstairs and he's about to sleep and she's going to sweep the first floor, so I push the parental guidance off for a future date, another day, hopefully when his mother's on duty. But without even really thinking about it, I find myself humming the bassline to MC Hammer's best-known song (said bassline, of course, having been...let's say "borrowed" from Rick James). 

Suddenly, from the blue comes a surprising voice yelling "Can't touch this!" 

There's a stunned silence as we process what just happened. 

Then I yell at the Rose, "You can hear us?!" 

There's another pause, briefer this time, then she bursts laughing. "Four years of pretending I couldn't hear you so I didn't have to come up with a good thing of the day down the drain! 'Can't Touch This' is just too powerful!"

for the record, she was eating the chips I'd just bought

ME: Why are you smiling like that? 

THE ROSE: Because you're being mean to me. 

ME: How'm I being mean to you? 

THE ROSE: You just said I was terrible!

ME: That's not being mean. That's just stating a fact. 

to blaeve

To the love of my life who, after nearly 17 years together, is still the best girlfriend. 

the heart of the matter

"Hey," I ask, as I occasionally do about assorted things, "can I buy [this wicked expensive thing I really want but absolutely do not need in the slightest]?" 

"Of course," Top Management replies, as she always does. Perhaps because she knows I virtually never actually do buy the thing in question, no matter what the thing is this time. (Although it's pretty much always musical gear.) 

I shake my head. "You're an enabler." 

She shrugs. "You're more realistic and sensible with money than I am, so I figure, if you think it's a good idea, then it probably is." 

We look at each other for a long moment. 

"Seriously?" 

"Yeah. Why?" 

"Because I thought you were the one who was realistic and sensible with money." 

We stare at each other in mounting horror. 

"Well, the good news is, I think I just figured out where we've been going wrong all these years." 

an itchy wicket

So a few months back, Top Management suggested that we try seriously revamping the way our day is structured for the first time in decades. I had mentioned several times over the years that I seem to work best late at night. She pointed out that now that our kids are all old enough that none of them—not even The Brawn—gets up at the crack of dawn anymore. And even if he does get up hours before any of the others, now being a (GOOD LORD) 12-year-old, he can obviously take of himself just fine. 

So I tried it. After watching an hour or so of television together, she heads off to bed and I head down to my office in the basement to work. 

And work I do. I guess I had thought I might be a bit more productive, but a bad night's work now is generally more productive than a really good day's work used to be, and there have been nights where I've gotten three or four times as much work done in one late-night shift as I used to accomplish in three or four decent days. It's a bit crazy. 

It was only after we'd been on this new schedule for a few weeks that it occurred to me that virtually every paper or story I wrote in high school or college, I wrote late at night. I always chalked it up to procrastination, and I'm sure there was plenty of that mixed in there too. But mainly I think it's that the writing part of my brain only really truly comes alive after midnight. 

So it's been great. There are downsides, obviously, including the fact that I think I'm always at least a bit sleep-deprived, but since the primary symptoms of that are fatigue, irritability, mood changes and difficulty focusing and remembering, who can tell the difference? 

At least I thought that was the main downside. Until tonight. When I discovered that the real problem with working crazy productively at 2:47 in the AM is that you might suddenly get an insanely itchy itch right in the middle of the back where you can't reach it and despite there being 7 other people in the house there's no one to scratch it for you. 

Oh, the humanity. 

needs no fixing

So we're sitting around the dining and living room, listening to baroque brass music, as is our family's tradition on Sunday mornings, thanks to a book I read in college called Who's Afraid of Classical Music, by Michael Walsh, which stated definitively that the only time one would wish to hear a baroque trumpet concerto—from which it naturally followed that one would nearly always wish to hear baroque brass during Sunday mornings. So for years we've been listening to various baroque (and classical, an era on which I am otherwise am somewhat lukewarm) horn and trumpet concerti. 

But sometimes I'll switch it up slightly. So last week we listened to a brass arrangement of Johann Sebastian Bach's magnificent Art of the Fugue. And this week I first put on Jason Vieaux playing lute works by Bach, arranged for classical guitar.

Then, when I switched to trumpet pieces, also by Bach

I heard someone behind me actually say, "whoo hoo!"

I looked over and saw The Bean sitting on the couch, reading on her phone, and asked if she'd really just "whoo hoo'd" the trumpet.

She gave me a puzzled look and said, "well, yeah."

innocent bysitter

So it's all fun and games when you're working in your basement studio shortly before midnight and your 22-year-old comes down with a question and the two of you find yourselves watching a cool video and laughing until the next video autostarts and this one is a giant spider and you instinctively and frankly quite reasonably yell "no!" and apparently wake your good lady wife out of a deep sleep and it's clearly all the kid's fault as usual. 

love's a killer

So in our family's Slack channel, the Bean and I were trading links—I sent her an awesome YT vid and she sent me an awesome meme. 

And then things turned dark.

[I love the "hey, it's a shame but what are gonna do you?” shrug-like tone. Truly her mother's kid.] 

December 17th

It's such a strange thing. Thanks to FB—one of the few things that truly evil entity does which is not, as far as I can tell, actively attempting to institute fascism—I know that I have at least six friends who all have birthdays on December 17th: three colleagues from the world of comics, one from homeschooling circles, one of my best friend's little brothers, and, oh, yes, my good lady wife. Not to mention post-punk musicians Bob Stinson and Mike Mills. As well as Bill Pullman, Eugene Levy, Pope Frankie, Sarah Paulson and, of course, Bob Guccione. 

All of which leads one to wonder: what the hell is in the air/water every year nine months earlier? 

And then I did the math. And I realized that what all those parents clearly had in common was an absolute refusal to beware the Ides of March. (Either that or a rather satyric carpe diem attitude.) 

the secrets to and of mawwiage

Interviewer: You've been happily married for 26 years. How do you keep the romance alive?

Me: We forward political tweets to each other all day long

— Melissa Wiley's NERVIEST GIRL has hit the shelves (@melissawiley) November 6, 2020

Me and @melissawiley trying to figure out what to watch next.
ME: Well, we've been meaning to try...uh...what's it called...Mr...Mr...
HER: Oh, right! Ted Lasso!
ME: Yes!
[...]
ME: How did you get that?
HER: I have no idea.

— Scott Peterson (@petersonscott) November 6, 2020

...is the hardest part

So Top Management and I are talking. In the background, The Brawn is practicing in advance of his weekly piano lesson with Jenny Conley, the keyboardist of The Decemberists. (Top Management has cool friends, and she makes cool things happen.)

Without realizing we're listening, we both hear The Brawn play an ascending run...and then nothing.

Maddening Piano Run

At a certain point, we both realized we'd both stopped talking, and are simply waiting for him to finish the phrase.

And waiting.

And waiting.

Some say they're still waiting to this very day. 

(This is not a metaphor for tomorrow. Not at all.) 

timing is everything

Watching the vice presidential debate, Top Management is getting angrier and angrier. 

Finally, she turns to me and growls, "thank you for not being one of those men who interrupt women when they're mid-sent--" 

"You're welcome," I say. 

announcing my presence with authority

So the Golden Weasel sent me this the other day: 

I could be wrong, but I feel like she's trying to tell me something.

Look, if you sneeze and every single person in your quite populous household isn't aware of it, did you even sneeze? And if you didn't, do you even exist? 

winning!

So the Golden Weasel and the Brawn have been on a gaming kick lately. Today they were playing Star Munchkin when I got back from the store. 

I lean over the Brawn's shoulder and loudly whisper, "don't let her see that you got that third ace." 

The Weasel gives me A Look...but not before glancing at her brother's cards, just to make sure he didn't have that third ace. 

a nutter in a haystack

"I'm still hungry," Top Management says. 

She's just finished breakfast, a typically light affair. Which means despite having just consumed a whopping 150 entire calories, she's somehow not sated. Especially since by now it's noon. 

"I could make you an everything bagel with cream cheese and ham," I suggest. 

She demurs. 

"How about an everything bagel with salami and provolone?" 

She again passes. 

"Carrots and hummus?" 

She sighs. 

And then the truth comes out. 

"These are all such good ideas," she admits. "But none of them are Nutter Butters and milk." 

Message [eventually] received. 

Parchlandia

So yesterday morning I check the air quality index for Portland and I see that it's in the 40s. Lower would be better, but hey, anything under 50 is in the green and considered Good. 

Yesterday evening I check and we're up now in the yellow and up to the 70s, which is considered Moderate. Like 3.6 Roentgen: not great, not terrible. 

This morning I check and it's now in the orange and is up to 130, which is considered Unhealthy. Hm. 

A few hours later I check and it's now in the red and is pegged at 170. Um. 

Well, maybe it'll get better, right? So a few hours later, after I have checked for the third time to see what's burning on the stove (SPOILERS: nothing), I hit refresh on the website and I get:

...so THAT's a thing. A thing I didn't even realize was possible. Or at least didn't realize was possible without, you know, your lungs turning to flame instantly. 

And lest you think Oregon's reputation for being a bit weird is overstated, here's the graphic on an official website on how to be prepared to evacuate:

That's right, they use Bigfoot as a stand-in for your average Oregonian. 

The writers of 2020 still seem to be a bit too on the nose this season. 

***

[UPDATE SEPTEMBER 12, 2020] Turns out, it's possible to be wistful for an AQI of "merely" almost 400:

 

Think of the AQI as a yardstick that runs from 0 to 500. The higher the AQI value, the greater the level of air pollution and the greater the health concern. For example, an AQI value of 50 or below represents good air quality, while an AQI value over 300 represents hazardous air quality.

For each pollutant an AQI value of 100 generally corresponds to an ambient air concentration that equals the level of the short-term national ambient air quality standard for protection of public health. AQI values at or below 100 are generally thought of as satisfactory. When AQI values are above 100, air quality is unhealthy: at first for certain sensitive groups of people, then for everyone as AQI values get higher.

The AQI is divided into six categories. Each category corresponds to a different level of health concern. Each category also has a specific color. The color makes it easy for people to quickly determine whether air quality is reaching unhealthy levels in their communities.

AQI Basics for Ozone and Particle Pollution

Daily AQI Color	Levels of Concern	Values of Index	Description of Air Quality
Green	Good	0 to 50	Air quality is satisfactory, and air pollution poses little or no risk.
Yellow	Moderate	51 to 100	Air quality is acceptable. However, there may be a risk for some people, particularly those who are unusually sensitive to air pollution.
Orange	Unhealthy for Sensitive Groups	101 to 150	Members of sensitive groups may experience health effects. The general public is less likely to be affected.
Red	Unhealthy	151 to 200	Some members of the general public may experience health effects; members of sensitive groups may experience more serious health effects.
Purple	Very Unhealthy	201 to 300	Health alert: The risk of health effects is increased for everyone.
Maroon	Hazardous	301 and higher	Health warning of emergency conditions: everyone is more likely to be affected.

 

 

o grant thy faithful hedgehog's boon

I am not a smart man. But even I, after nearly 50 years with the same person, learn a thing or two. Such as the insanely vital importance of never ever keeping secrets from your significant other.

Unless the secret in question is what you discovered, as you went to grab a beer sometime after midnight so you could get to work on the script you're writing, crawling up the wall next to the stairs, is your good lady wife's second-least favorite thing in the entire known universe. 

works like a (snake) charm

So when I went freelance, one of my trusted colleagues—himself a long-time freelance writer— warned me that transitioning into being home all the time would likely be extremely difficult at first, that it was nobody's fault, it was just a fact that too much proximity to another adult would be difficult, especially since we were living in a small New York City apartment, and the other adult in question (Top Management) was used to having said apartment all to herself. 

We never found that to be the case. We were delighted to have an extra 50 hours a week together and, if anything, hated having to stop talking to each other so one could leave the room to go work. And 22 or so years later, that's still the case. When it's time for me to leave Lissa's studio to go make dinner or watch Doctor Who with the kids or whatever, my good lady wife will often break into an awesomely accurate Veruca Salt impersonation, expressing her displeasure with my impending departure. 

Fortunately, I have finally, after all these years, found a solution: I begin an interpretive dance which aims to illustrate how I personally feel about leaving her, the anguish I'm experiencing, the deep love I have for her and the conflicting emotion of paternal responsibility. Occasionally I'll throw in a small aside about current events or perhaps a recap of a recent television episode, just for contrast. 

I say I begin an interpretive dance, because I rarely get more than three seconds in before she says, "Okay, you can go now." 

Sure, she sounds eager for me to leave. But she's crying on the inside. I can tell. 

Love in the Time of COVID

It's late. Well, it's not really—it's only a bit after 11pm. But Top Management likes to get up around 6 in the damn morning so she can write before The Brawn gets up—for some reason, even after 25 years of practice, she apparently finds it difficult to write creatively once a small dervish begins whirling around in close proximity. (Yeah, he's still at the age—or perhaps just One of Those—who wakes up early and is immediately Ready and a-Rarin' to Go.) 

I notice she's on her phone, so I do as I've been repeatedly instructed by her, and I point out the time. "Get off Twitter," I say, gently, lovingly, sweetly, with only her best intentions in my heart, as always. 

She puts her phone down with a literal hmph and picks up her Kindle. 

"I can’t believe how many hot takes I’m missing right now," she grumbles. 

toasted

The 21-year-old comes downstairs at the crack of 10:15am and scratches my back. "Am...am I old enough that...I can just make myself cinnamon toast? Even though I'm not sick?" 

I am not a good father. You know those fathers you see on TV—or even in real life!—who are great about teaching their kids how to change their oil and take them to all their hockey practices while it's still dark and go on cross-country vacations to camp in the Grand Canyon and do their homework with them and make sure they're not eaten by rabid badgers and all that? Yeah, that ain't me. 

But there is precisely one thing I do really well as a father, and that's make cinnamon toast. Generally, yes, I only do it for each kid a few times a year, when they don't feel well, but since I have 4732879 children, that still means I end up making quite a bit, even if it doesn't seem that way to, say, Kid #7397 (what, like I can remember all their names). 

I try to glare at her but my heart is too shattered. The one and only fatherly thing at which I'm even moderately proficient and she wants to rip that single thing away from me. 

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" she says. "You can make it if you want! I just didn't want to be a hassle." 

I get up in a snit (a very manly snit) and go make what is not my finest cinnamon toast ever but is still probably in the top 10% of all cinnamon toasts I've ever created. I keep it in the toaster the exact right amount of time, down to the millisecond. I pretend to hand it to her baby sister, which outrages and horrifies the 21-year-old, before she snatches the plate away, chirps "thank you, Daddy!" and goes into the dining room to eat it. 

I sulk down to my office and sit down and that's when it hits me how thoroughly I had just been played. 

She's definitely her mother's daughter. 

the facts of life

So I've been showing the two youngest—the Golden Weasel and the Brawn—an episode or two of M*A*S*H most weekdays. We started with the very first episode and have watched all but a few episodes per season—there are over 250 episodes, so skipping a few of the relatively weaker or more purely prurient or those which have not aged terribly well (and hoo boy do some of even the finest episodes have bits that have not aged well) doesn't seem like too great a crime. In this way, they're getting quite an education: they're learning some history (about the Korean War, which they'd never heard), and basic concepts such as triage, and military rank, and even some basic medical terminology. (Who knew that this was where I became familiar with the term "plasma"?)

They're also learning—or have now learned—how to watch a long-form episodic series which, to the surprise of me and Top Management, is actually something one learns to do, and is not necessarily innate; we grew up watching sitcoms from the time we were aware, pretty much, and perhaps even the occasional soap opera, so learned without realizing it. (The only time I ever watched soaps was when I was home sick from school, with the result that the sight or sound or even mention of a soap opera will sometimes make me feel slightly ill—yes, really.) 

That this is a learned thing is something we'd discovered with our oldest kids, but it was really driven home just how powerful long-form narratives can be—not exactly a revelation to either of us—when we watched the end of the third season, which as all should know, features one of the most shocking deaths in television history. We expected it to take them by surprise. We were not prepared for the fact that they were absolutely devastated. The Brawn was nearly inconsolable—"how could they do that?!" he said. "He was a main character!"—while the Weasel just went up to her room and laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling without speaking for half an hour. 

So we recently began the fifth season, a two-parter that has the unit bugging out. Colonel Potter finds what he believes is a suitable new location—there's only one small problem, and that's the house of ill repute which is smack dab in the middle, packed to the gills with ladies of the night and a madam who runs the place. 

"And that," I said to Top Management, as soon as it was over, "is how your two youngest became acquainted with the term and concept of a brothel." 

She just looked at me for a moment, then nodded. "You're really doing a great job with this homeschooling thing," she said. 

truer words

So I'm talking to Top Management about something, who knows what, but undoubtedly vitally important. What we were going to watch that night, perhaps, or the relative merits of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs v their regular Cups. Anyhow, it was something imperative like that, something utterly central to the health of our relationship, and when it was clear we were at an impasse, we recognized that our marriage was, apparently over. (Yet again—it tends to end every few days; fortunately, it hasn't been permanent so far.) 

"Well," I said. "I guess that's that. It's been a good run." 

"Has it?" Top Management replied. "Has it, though? I mean...it's been a run." 

idée fixe

 

Idée fixe, (French: “fixed idea”) in music and literature, a recurring theme or character trait that serves as the structural foundation of a work. The term was later used in psychology to refer to an irrational obsession that so dominates an individual’s thoughts as to determine his or her actions. An outgrowth of Romanticism, the concept enjoyed its widest circulation during the 19th and the early 20th century.

I am the world's worst photographer. By every measure, I am simply terrible. Technically, I screw up the lighting, the composition, the focus, even with a self-focusing camera. I can't adjust the color later in a way that's aesthetically pleasing, and my cropping is haphazard at best. 

And yet there's one subject I'm drawn to again and again and which somehow gives me decent results, despite my complete ineptitude in all other areas. 

I call this series Portrait of an Artist at Work. 

it was only a dream

So I'm making coffee and feeling unusually chipper. Not just for the time of day—I am not and never have been a morning person—but in general. Even Top Management seems to notice, when she takes a breath between choruses of "Good Morning," her frequent song of choice in the A.M. (She is, in fact, a morning person, to the surprise of no one.)

And then I realize: that $75,000 check I'd just received? Yeah, that wasn't real. It was simply from a dream I had just before waking up. 

So. Sad. 

things I never thought I'd hear #739942

“You know how people always say, eat the frog first?“

...no! No, I don’t.

 

 

 

venus v mars

I feel like this true story sums up the yin-yang of our dynamic fairly succinctly. 

 

Me: I think I'm going to hang a TODAY IS GOING TO BE AWESOME sign where it's the first thing we'll see every day @petersonscott: Funny you should say that. I set a daily Slack reminder that says REMEMBER YOU'RE GOING TO DIE

— Melissa Wiley (@melissawiley) February 8, 2020

haunted by taters of turkey day past

So I casually mention some foodstuff, and Top Management's eyes grow misty. "Oh, Marge and I used to get that all the time," she says, referring to her college roommate and eventual maid of honor. "It was her absolute favorite." 

"Really? I thought her favorite was your leftover mashed potatoes," I say, showing off my encyclopedic knowledge of her culinary history by referring to the one and only tiff they'd ever had, when Top Management had returned to their dorm room, famished, only to discover the Thanksgiving leftovers she'd brought back to school had been finished while she was in her Men's Images in Literature class. (Yes, really.) 

Eyes which had been misty only milliseconds before grow suddenly hard as diamond at the mention of that tuberous betrayal from [does some quick math] literally 32 years ago. "Too soon," she whispers menacingly. "Too soon." 

For Once in My Death

So I'm drinking my first morning cuppa, chatting with the Bean and the Golden Weasel, the morning playlist brightening up another rainy winter day here in the Pacific Northwest. 

"For Once in My Life," by the impossibly great Stevie Wonder comes on, and I realize that whenever someone asks me what my favorite song is—something that, I recently realized, doesn't happen nearly as often once you're out of school—this masterpiece never occurs to me, and yet when it's playing, it just may be my all-time fave. 

(I mean. Right?) 

A few minutes later, I mention this revelation to Top Management. She gets a look on her face. I mean, she's always got a look on her face, but this one...this one's different. 

"What?" I ask. "I've told you that before? I've told you that before, probably, haven't I?" 

She starts laughing. "Since 1989," she says slowly, "That's the song I've been planning to play at your memorial." 

the pause that refreshes

It's a slightly unusual day. The Boy is home on a weekday, on account of a school holiday, which alters the day's rhythm for his two younger siblings, as well as his parents. I was up until after 3 a.m., finishing up a script, and since I didn't need to get up before dawn to make The Boy's lunch, I slept in. A bit after 9:30 I pinged Top Management, who's been up for hours, to let her know I was awake. 

She comes in and flops down next to me. "Ah, bed," she sighs. "Bed is so good. My back likes bed."

She looks at her phone. "All right. I have so much I have to get done today. I'm going to be so productive. Let's see: it's 9:45. I'm going to play Minecraft until 10." 

There's a pause. Then she adds, through gritted teeth, "Thirty." 

Star Trek v Star Wars [definitively settled]

So we've had a pair of sci-fi projects going on recently. Over the past month or two, I've been showing the youngest three selected episodes of Star Trek: The Original Series. We're closing in on the end of the second season now, and we'll probably watch at least films 2-4, and maybe the fifth, which I've never seen, but my imaginary friend Chris says is quite good. Or maybe that was the sixth. I'll probably stick with 2-4. After that, we'll move on to The Next Generation, which I've never really watched, but the oldest three and I watched the first two episodes last year and they were quite good, so we'll probably all delve into that. 

But we've also been making our way through Star Wars, in preparation for the new and theoretically final film, which has been out for a few weeks. So I showed them the first one, Episode IV: A New Hope, for at least The Golden Weasel's fourth time (and maybe more) and at least The Brawn's third (and maybe more—I've shown each kid the first film at least two or three times before moving on to The Empire Strikes Back, to ensure the big reveal really hits the way it should). We then watched Episodes V and VI, before moving back and starting the prequels (which the older three and I discovered are both not nearly as bad as their reputation/I remembered, and yet even worse in some ways). After we watch Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, The Brawn seems to believe we'll be done, apparently not knowing of the existence of the "new" concluding trilogy? And clearly not anticipating that I'll then be taking him to see his first (and last?) Star Wars film in the theater. 

(And, yes, at some point we'll watch the spinoffs and animated serieses and such.)

The other night, our viewing didn't start until a bit on the late side, so we went with an episode of Star Trek, rather than a Star Wars film. Which led The Brawn to ask the question which has plagued the entire speculative fiction community for decades now: which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars? 

He weighed in with his own opinion, immediately, unbidden: Star Wars for him. Which he didn't even need to explain. He clearly at least likes and maybe loves Star Trek—I was very gratified how immediately he took to it, since live-action isn't really his jam, normally, and for the first episode he didn't really react; I later realized it's because he was so gripped that he actually shut up for once. (I may have strong feelings about the way my otherwise absolutely perfect spawn chatter while watching stuff.) But Star Wars has far more action, far more and much longer fight scenes, and although he doesn't seem to have really noticed how understandably primitive the Star Trek special effects are, obviously Star Wars has that in a walk. 

The Golden Weasel, on the other hand, said quite firmly that Star Trek was the clear winner. This part did surprise me a bit. But I was more than surprised, I was blown away, when she explained her reasoning. "Star Wars doesn't have Spock," she said. Which...a fair pony, and an inarguable one at that. 

"Besides," she added, "Star Trek isn't all about how you have to bury your emotions." 

I was staggered. She'd never said anything like that previously. What's more, that was something which had really only occurred to me a few nights before, watching my fifth Star Wars film of the week, most for at least the fourth time, and some for at least the 15th. Because even though I've made my living creating and analyzing stories for decades, when it comes to Star Wars, I simply can't be objective; part of me is always and forever that 8-year-old boy sitting in the theatre, not knowing a thing about the movie that's about to start, and having his mind utterly blown by the first spaceship passing overhead onscreen, the biggest damn thing I'd ever seen in my entire life, so big I was hardly able to comprehend it...a ship which is then followed by the far, far, far larger Imperial Star Destroyer. My tiny little brains leaked out my ears at that point and for the next two hours I was barely able to follow what was going on even as I was beyond enthralled and captivated. 

So. After I recovered from my shock over just how astute and incisive her analysis was, I realized she must have heard one of the three oldest say something like that. Turns out, nope: they were just as blown away by her take on the matter as I. 

So now it all came down to The Boy. He was the tiebreaker. Which would it be for him, Star Trek or Star Wars? 

"Star Trek," he said. "Because it's less than an hour, and Star Wars is more than two."

And there 'tis. At long last, we have discovered the one true objective way of deciding which franchise is better: which one is more convenient. SETTLED. 

(I see we're all too late and it's already been definitively decided)

(Also, we're about to start watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, which none of us have ever really seen before. But before that? We're going to watch the Star Trek films. Which, of course, are roughly two hours long each. How will that affect the entire equation?!)

Archimedes in San Diego with a Sponge

File this one under: an old story I'd never heard before. 

Some years back, Top Management and a young Rose were washing dishes together. This is because for at least a few years, our dishwasher was broken, so the two of them would wash the breakfast and lunch dishes (and then, if I remember correctly, I'd wash the dinner dishes). On the particular night in question, apparently Top Management filled a cup all the way up with soapy water and, deep in conversation and without thinking about it, plunged her hand, holding a sponge, into said cup in order to scrub it. Naturally, soapy water squirted out everywhere. 

Conversation stopped. 

The Rose stared at Top Management. 

Top Management stared at the water which had gone everywhere. 

Then she looked at the Rose and said, "and that's called displacement." 

Even when the glass is almost entirely empty, it's half-full with her. 

spite management

So Top Management is telling me this story about a guy who bought a spite cow. That's right: a spite cow. Which, in addition to being the name of my new Donny and Marie cover band, is a great tale of why it's rarely a good idea to get really petty with your next-door neighbor. That it would almost never turn out well for the initial instigator, and almost certainly worse. 

"I would be so good at that," Top Management says softly. 

A pause, and then she repeats. "I would be so good at that." 

A longer pause, and then a whispered, "I would." 

I suspect up and down our block, our (very nice!) neighbors felt a chill run up their spines. 

heroic words befitting heroic deeds

It's New Year's Eve, and the Bean has to work. 

Top Management sends me this incredible twitter thread, which includes such fantastic images as

and 

so naturally I text the Bean and request that, if possible, the necessary fruit be brought home for our good luck in the coming decade. 

An hour later, I receive the following text in return: 

I Have Acquired the Lemon

and any issues I might ever have had with her entire generation's dependence upon screens vanish when weighed against the majesty of that one sentence. 

May your new year be filled with equally noble and loving gestures. 

a fair pony

So it's early on Christmas morn. And while the "early" part might go without saying, given the "Christmas morn" part, the youngest is now old enough—10.9 years old, in fact—that he's able to wait until 7am to rush downstairs and start the brouhaha. He's not happy about waiting that long, but he can. 

(Actually, the biggest change this year is that Max has to get up by 6:30am for her job, which means it's exponentially easier to wake her up at such an inhumane time, whereas in previous years, sandblasting was required. The Rose, meanwhile—also far from an earlier riser by nature—nobly claims she's willing to get up early on this one day for her baby brother because she's so selfless. It's true that she's quite the excellent big sister...but I vividly remember many years past when she was the one waking up her younger siblings on Christmas and suspect there's still more than a little of that lurking in her makeup. To which I can only silent cheer, and with far less of my sarcasm than at almost any other time.) 

Anyhoo. After the first round of presents have been torn into, Top Management issues her standard instructions about the wrapping paper.

(Sidenote: by the end of my teenage years, what had occasionally been an amusing Christmas sideline—how neatly my dad could unwrap presents—had become A Thing, so that the opening of presents began to take hours, as people would ever so gently lift of each piece of tape, and try to keep the wrapping paper as pristine as possible, to the point where some pieces of paper were used, I exaggerate not, a half dozen years in a row. We may have had issues, now that I think back on it.) 

But back to Portland 2019. Top Management's orders are, as usual, that wrapping paper which isn't to be saved—and in our case, that depends upon the state of the paper post-opening and/or how pretty/special it is—is to be balled up and tossed into the corner by the front door, where it'll be out of the way, and actual gifts are less likely to be lost amidst the clutter and accidentally thrown away with the discarded wrapping paper. She advises them that it should be done in a satisfactory manner and that uncrumpled paper shouldn't just be thrown in the general vicinity of the door, where it might simply end up cover the sofa. It's vaguely possible there's a distinct reason she has to issue this proclamation. 

Naturally, this turns into a secondary but still important part of the event. The paper is wadded up and tossed over the back of the couch and, generally, towards the door. Except that I'm located in the very general area, so certain members of the family find it more enjoyable to try to hit dad. I do not find this entirely objectionable. I do, however, take the opportunity rate their efforts: "Nice throw!" "Ooh, perfect!" "Not even close." "Seriously?" Like that. [I am the nurturing parent.]

Top Management opens a gift from her husband, a present which is staggeringly thoughtful and remarkably imaginative (I have no idea what it was, but I'm sure those descriptions are accurate). She wads up the wrapping paper in a shockingly haphazard manner and sorta kinda lets it fall in what could perhaps, if one squinted, be thought of as the roughest of efforts at going in a Wrapping Paper Corner direction. 

I look at her, stunned. 

"That was not an adequate shot." 

She picks up her mug, sips her hot cocoa, and gazing at me through the steam, says evenly, "It doesn’t have to be. It’s me."