Left of the Dial

pops like a knife

So the 5-year-old's standing on a chair he's dragged over to the kitchen counter. He's got everything that's required for a peanut butter and honey sandwich: bread, peanut butter, honey, a plate, a knife.

He holds up the knife and says matter-of-factly, illustrating just what A Big Boy he's become, "butter knifes can't cut you. Not really."

He pauses, then adds, "they can only pop out your eyes."  

 

all in how you look at it

"Hey, how was the dentist?" I asked the 10-year-old. 

"Great!" he says excitedly. "He says I need to see the orthodontist!"

He grins, excited about getting to see this mysterious other tooth doctor, like all his older sisters, proof of how big he's getting. 

"Well!" I say back, attempting to smile, as visions of another much needed new car's worth of cash flowing out of my already sparse coffer and right into the appropriately thankful orthodonist's pocket.  

Hoisted

So I see a PostSecret online and, of course, send the link to Top Management. 

"Oh! Sad!" she replies.

"You're tellin' me," I say, giving the ol' stink-eye. "This is how I find out?" 

"Oh, sweetie," she sighs, patting my hand dismissively. "You know that can't be me."

"Is that so?" I reply. "How can I possibly know any such thing?" 

She smiles sweetly. "Because that wife says her husband can provide some kind of security."  

Climate Change

Sure, you'd think the fact that the overwhelming preponderance of scientist agree that it's nigh upon irrefutable that climate change is real and pressing and a serious threat to the continuation of life on earth would more or less settle the matter—in fact, that it'd been settled more than a decade ago. 

What's more, it's tempting to look at it rationally. If climate change isn't real and we make the suggested changes anyway, the downside is...we have a healthier planet. Whereas if is real and we don't, our grandchildren die horrible deaths. So...yeah, that's kind of a no-brainer, if you give it about half a minute's consideration, right? 

But if, for whatever reason (Al Gore is fat), that didn't convince me, I think I'd look at who's arguing that it's real and who's arguing it's not. And if Donald Trump is on your side? Is being held up as some sort of expert? The guy who went bankrupt owning a casino—something that is very literally nearly impossible? I think some very serious soul-searching is called for.

So if someday Donald Trump starts yelling about just how great the Beatles were? I think, looking at the guy's history (and his hair), the only logical conclusion is to become a bigger Rolling Stones fan. 

The Daily Show
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(Also, my grandchildren are going to eat your grandchildren, with or without a nice chianti and some fava beans.) 

The Shed Was Talked About

"The shed was talked about."

I just discovered this most evocative of phrases and felt compelled to share it. 

Also too: Notable Sheds™ is the name of my new band. The shed was talked about will be the first line of its debut release, a triple-disc concept album about small wooden self-standing storage units. Name pending. 

"The shed...was talked about." 

Chills, no? Spine-tingling?

Truly, I predict greatness.