So I wrote a while back about our family's traditional Chrismahkwanzakah viewing. This year I Tivo'ed a bunch of Christmas specials, the ones we don't have on tape. The problem is that they don't always end right when they're supposed to—a television trend I'm really starting to hate—so most of them are missing their last ninety seconds—and them's some purty important seconds.
I mean, for instance [SPOILER WARNING!] when I had the foresight to check "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" before watching it with the kids, I found that our Tivo'ed version ends on the Island of Misfit Toys with the poor toys lamenting that, once again, Santa had let them down, left them hangin', in the lurch, both high and dry.
That's the way our version ends. Just boom, end o' tale, before the fat man shows up for his long-delayed slice of sweet and undeserved redemption. Sniff sniff, waaah, nobody likes, everyone thinks we're losers, the screen freezes and that's that. Happy Chrismahkwanzakah, kids! Sweet dreams! G'nite!
[Actually, I'm half-tempted to show it to the girls, just to see what their reactions would be.]
Anyhoo, here are some stunningly bad Christmas specials, even if you watch 'em all the way to the bitter end. (Or so others seem to think.)
You know Charlie and Snoopy and Linus and Lucy, Rudolph and Ralphie and Frosty and Grinchy.But do you recall the most horrible holiday films of all?
Not every Christmas movie or television special becomes an enduring classic, destined for annual repeats and holiday marathons.
In fact, many of these ill-fated attempts at Christmas cheer aren’t even available on DVD. They’ve been forgotten like misfit toys, and justly so.
Here are our picks for the 10 worst Christmas movies and TV specials. Beware — they’re pure jingle hell.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
The Citizen Kane of bad Christmas films, this bizarre 1964 sci-fi fantasy finds Santa Claus being kidnapped by Martians to bring cheer to the children of Mars. One of the Martian kids was portrayed by a 10-year-old Pia Zadora, who “never got much taller,” according to the wisecracking crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Available on DVD, the MST3K version is a hilarious rip on the awful, low-budget film. “What is it?” shrieks an Earth girl being pursued at the North Pole by a Martian robot. “It’s a guy in a cardboard box with a coffee urn on his head,” replies MST3K’s Joel Robinson.The Star Wars Holiday Special
If you thought Jar Jar Binks was bad, check out this 1978 CBS holiday special spinoff of the original Star Wars film. Better yet, don’t. “This is some of the most painful television ever created,” said a review on the Web site, Oh, the Humanity! Most notable for introducing the cult character Boba Fett, this special featured the film’s cast, plus such guest stars as Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur. Carrie Fisher, deep into her hard-partying days, sang a “Life Day” carol based on the Star Wars theme. “If this isn’t an argument for getting people off drugs, I don’t know what is,” the reviewer wrote. Bootleg clips can be found online at YouTube.com.Babes in Toyland
The oft-filmed Victor Herbert operetta was translated to Cincinnati in this 1986 TV movie musical that starred Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves and Pat Morita. It featured “jaw-droppingly awful musical numbers,” according to eFilmCritic.com’s Collin Souter. Barrymore, who was drinking and doing drugs by age 12, played a little girl who bumps her head and wakes up in Toyland on Christmas Eve. “Historically interesting,” Souter wrote, “if only to gaze into Barrymore’s drug-addled, bloodshot eyes or to watch Keanu drive around in a pink, flowery go-cart … before singing about the joys of Ohio.”Christmas Comes to Pac-Land
This 1982 cartoon special starring Pac-Man and his family was a crass attempt to cash in on the video-game craze. It was named the second worst holiday programming ever, after the Star Wars fiasco, in Television Without Pity’s 752 Things We Love to Hate (and Hate to Love) About TV. “This holiday special’s across-the-board suckitude remains seared into our memories like a brand,” the authors wrote. Trying to capitalize on Pac-Man fever is one thing, they noted, but not when the poorly animated characters look nothing like the original. “How hard is it to animate a circle with a pie piece cut out of it?”Jack Frost
Michael Keaton, as a mediocre blues singer who neglects his son, is killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. How’s that for a cheery premise? But wait, it gets better. Keaton’s character, named Jack Frost, is reincarnated a year later as his son Charlie’s snowman. He attempts to make up for lost time with Charlie, which allows the makers of this 1998 slushball to shovel on the sentiment. However, he also has to contend with the whole melting thing. “OK, I’m back, but why a snowman?” Keaton asks. “Is it the name Jack Frost? Because that’s not even clever, that’s cheesy.” You said it, Jack.Silent Night, Deadly Night
Forget the lump of coal. Naughty people get punished by an ax-wielding psycho wearing a Santa suit in this controversial 1984 slasher film, which prompted protests at theaters where it was shown. Heavy on bloodshed and gratuitous nudity, it was a box-office success and spawned four sequels. The story follows a young boy named Billy, who is fearful of Santa’s wrath. As an adult, Billy deals with his issues by donning a red suit and chanting “Naughty! Punish!” as he dispatches sexually active teens. “What’s next?” asked film critic Leonard Maltin. “The Easter Bunny as a child molester?”Surviving Christmas
A contemporary stab at the worst Christmas movie of all time, this 2004 comedy starred Ben Affleck as a spoiled millionaire who hires a suburban Chicago clan to be his family at Christmas time. Ben forces the likes of Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini) to wear a Santa hat — but sadly, he doesn’t get whacked. “So dreadful, Fox released it theatrically in October just so they could put it out of its misery by releasing it on video the following December,” said eFilmCritic’s Souter.Eight Crazy Nights
Adam Sandler’s 2002 animated gross-out musical-comedy celebrates the Festival of Lights, whose candles should have been used to torch the master print. Sandler provides the voice of Davey Stone, a drunk who is ordered by a judge to spend the holiday performing community service as the assistant referee for a youth basketball league. His redemption involves lots of potty humor, including one character rolling down a hill in a portable toilet. “A holiday film for the whole family,” wrote the Chicago Reader’s J.R. Jones, “provided the whole family is obsessed with human waste.”Jingle All the Way
Arnold Schwarzenegger dashes through the snow on Christmas Eve in hapless pursuit of an action figure for his son. But laughs are even harder to find in this distressing 1996 slapstick farce, whose box-office failure started Schwarzenegger’s descent from A-list status. Now California’s governor, Schwarzenegger has yet to live down the holiday turkey. When his four ballot measures were rejected by California voters in November 2005, Tonight Show host Jay Leno quipped: “This has to be the worst day Arnold’s had since that movie Jingle All the Way came out.”Kathie Lee Gifford’s Christmas specials
Regis Philbin’s former Live co-host starred during the 1990s in annual CBS holiday specials that featured her husband, Frank Gifford, and their children. Washington Post television critic Tom Shales probably clinched his Pulitzer Prize with his scathing reviews of them. Shales called 1995’s Kathie Lee: Home for Christmas, “a sickeningly saccharine vanity production that should really have been titled O Come, Let Us Adore Me.” Her 1998 outing, Kathie Lee Gifford: Christmas Every Day, led him to ask: “What’s the difference between the 24-hour flu and a Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas special? Twenty-three hours.”
Now, personally, I think those reviews are way, way off. I mean, sure, I've never actually seen any of the masterworks in question, but why on earth would that stop me from forming an opinion about 'em?
Because, please! Come on! I wanna know just what kinda crack-addled maroon wouldn't love to watch a young and coked-out Drew Barrymore cavorting with a young and florally-vehicled Keanu Reeves? Jeez louise, how can that possibly be anything but transcendent? Put those two together and you obviously can't help but think, "Now that's Christmas, baby!"
And there are actually people who think there's a war on Christmas because some folks prefer to be charitable and wish others a Happy Holidays. Why, all they need to do is look back upon these golden nuggets of cinematic goodness from yesteryear—and todayear, in some cases—and see that, if there is a war (and there's not), it started long, long ago. And the whole Happy Holidays thing? It ain't even a strategic feint, much less a skirmish.
Princess Leia singing? Oh, thank you, Kris Kringle! Obviously, you agree I've been very, very good this year.
I've got a strange memory of watching a Star Wars Christmas special not long after the first movie came out. I remember it featured a performance by Jefferson Starship, weirdly enough. I wonder if it's the same one. It's saved in the same memory banks as the made-for-TV Kiss movie, "Phantom of the Park," which came out around the same time.
"Santa Claus Conquers The Martians" made for one of the funniest MST3K's ever. And this is indeed saying something.
Hard to believe the Nick and Jessica Christmas special (of which I actually saw about 6 minutes before having to turn it off - I've never seen a cockfight before but I imagine my reaction to this would have been very similar) didn't make the list.
I believe Kathie Lee Gifford's specials once led Tom Shales to quip that it would cause viewers to "hate Christmas."
Way on the other side of the spectrum was the Christmas show from the one magical season of "My So-Called Life," which featured Juliana Hatfield and has brought tears every time I've seen it. The last 15 minutes are so beautiful it feels dreamlike.
Not that you asked, of course.
Posted by: DT | Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 07:05 AM
Well, Kathy Lee is Kathy Lee. There's no help for that. But the deal with Jack Frost, is that the original screen play was written by a young guy who had just had a kid (who also btw wrote Grumpy Old Men at some shleppy warehouse job while in college). It was actually supposed to be a dark comedy directed by Sam Raimi. When theh studios got a hold of this kid's script, they pretty much turned it stupid.
Posted by: | Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 08:06 AM
Appropo of absolutely nothing, this story is the most awesome story I've read in a long time, on so many levels. It almost makes me lightheaded; it's like wishing for a superhero and having one show up. Please read:
Posted by: DT | Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 09:39 AM
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT WATCH THE STAR WARS XMAS SPECIAL. I have seen it, and even if you are watching it with a sense of irony it will burn your eyeballs - it is not even "so bad it's good" - no no no - it will just make you feel uncomfortable and mildly depressed. And that's BEFORE Bea Arthur sings.
agreed with that being one of the best MST3ks. I miss Joel. Mike was okay but Joel was awesome.
oh and el ohohoh el at showing your kids that alternate ending on the isle of misfit toys. (I originally typed cookies, since that's what we call the sugar cookies that break - then we ice them with red icing and screaming faces)
Posted by: Krissy | Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 09:56 AM
You forgot the Martha Stewart Christmas specials from the 90s. The one with her and Hillary from the White House was priceless simply for the not barely concealed hatejets spurting from their eyes...
Posted by: Steve the LLamabutcher | Friday, December 15, 2006 at 07:12 AM
S-A-N-T-A! C-L-A-U-S! Hoo-ray for Santy Clause!
You have got to be kidding me. With a song like that, redone quite brilliantly for the Punk Rock X-mas CD a few years back, that special gets extra points.
Posted by: Allen | Friday, December 22, 2006 at 10:14 AM
Here's another outstanding editorial from the Roanoke Times.
I've decided to believe they've kicked their work up a notch since I vacated the Commonwealth. It helps me sleep at night.
Posted by: scott | Saturday, December 23, 2006 at 05:09 PM