California Drivin'

So I got my California driver’s license last week. And it only took three trips to the DMV to acquire.

No, no, no, I didn’t fail the test—although I was worried for a while, I admit—it just took me that long to get all my paperwork in order. I didn’t have to take a driving test, just an eye test and the written. The eye test was surprisingly—disturbingly, in fact—easy. The written? Not quite so much.

There were 36 questions, and I could miss up to six and still pass. There were written instructions that said, in part:

Read the test questions carefully. Don't read anything extra into the question. There will be one correct answer and the other two answer choices will be either obviously wrong or not appropriate for the question asked.

Don't be nervous. DMV wants you to pass your test. Good Luck!

They do? They want me to pass? I’m not sure I approve. I think it should be tougher than that, they should be tougher than that. Driving’s not a damn right, it’s a privilege. You gotta earn it.

But maybe that’s just me.

And I see no reason for “luck” to be capitalized. It looks tacky.

Anyhoo, they do things a little wacky here in SoCal. For instance, you get your picture—and your thumbprint—taken before you’re actually tested. I guess they’re not kidding; they really do want you to pass.

The guy doing the taking on this particular day was a friendly gentlemen with a really good shtick. When you’d put your thumb on the print reader, he’d say, “Good. Just a little higher, please? Okay, great. Now just wait for the small shock.” Sometimes he’d add, “It only hurts a little.” Good stuff.

As I’m standing there, awaiting my turn, I look around and there on the wall is something which really makes you question reality. You look at it and you look at it and then you look at it some more but it never stops appearing to be a leftover prop from the Sylvester Stallone flick “Demolition Man.” It is a photo on the wall, as I reckon all DMV’s have in all states, of the governor of that state. But in my new state the governor is, naturally or not so much, the Governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It’s one thing to know that. It’s another thing to see him on television or his photo in the newspaper. It’s a third and most unreal thing of all to see his official state photo in an official state office. Until you’ve experienced it, you cannot believe just how odd it really is.

So I took the test and, keeping in mind that The Right Answer Should Be Obvious and that They Want Me to Pass, I zipped right through that puppy. In fact, I finished long before any of the other dozen folks taking the test, some of whom had been at work for ten minutes before I sat down; I was out the door before any of them even put their pencils down. Clearly they were overthinking. Or maybe they just couldn't believe in their heart of hearts that the DMV wanted them to pass.

But they did. Ever so much.

I went with my first instinct on about 30 of the questions, leaving the others blank, to be filled in at the end. Of those, several were almost guesses on my part, and one in particular really bugged me. It was this one:

When parking on a hill on a two-way street, your front wheels should be:
A) Turned to the left (toward the street).
B) Turned to the right (away from the street).
C) Parallel with the pavement.

Now, you, dear reader, being a Left of the Dialian and therefore far, far, far smarter’n your average bear see the problem with this here question. As my girl Mona Lisa Vito would attest, it’s a bullshit question, in so far as it’s completely unanswerable in that form.

Because, of course, it depends upon whether you’re parking uphill or downhill, vital information which the test omits.

There was a bit o’ vital information which I’d missed myself when I started taking the test, and only noticed when it came time to flip it over and start on the second half, and that bit was this: I was supposed to check the box next the correct answer with an X. I’d been using check marks. What to do? Continue in my erroneous fashion, or remain consistent?

Well, as the fish would say, what would you do?

After my test was graded—I got two wrong, and received a smiley face for my outstanding score—I pointed out the incompletely worded question to the dude at the counter. He first opined that the important information was the two-way street bit, but I questioned that reading. He then looked at it again and laughed and said they’d been using this test for years and no one else had noticed.

So I wonder. Are both A and B considered correct answers? Because depending upon the direction of the hill, they could be.

I haven't slept well since. It plagues me, this question.

Anyhoo, as I drove away from the DMV, I considered it already a successful day, perhaps having made the world a slightly better place for having improved a test at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Knowing that I would soon receive in the mail my official license with, let’s be honest, a stunningly attractive photo of my fair self, I thought, “Today I may not be a man…but I am a Californian.”

Comments

[sam]

What if you are parking on a hill and there is no curb against which you'd expect your car to stop in the event of that imminent random complete brake loss that our tire aiming intends to correct for? Assume I'm parking uphill. If I turn the wheels to the left, the back end of my car whips out into traffic. If I turn them to the right, my front end is presented to the traffic.

I only ask because this happened to me recently, and I actually considered which way to turn the wheels. In the end I settled for straight on. If the car does suffer imminent random complete brake loss, I'd rather a little smash than a potential big smash. In the case of a parked car suddenly rolling away, one can only expect the situation to get worse as Murphy's Law would require a SUV to be speeding past as my car, unhampered by turning into the curb, away from which my uphill facing car's wheels would normally be steered, rolls directly into the path causing explosion, cars spinning into the neighboring house, death.

I'm curious how often parked cars roll down hills. It doesn't seem likely to me, but I'm not willing not to try to attend to the possibility when I'm parking. As I've pointed out above, it's a question answered by more questions.

[DT]

You are indeed a Californian and join an impressive line of them. Richard Nixon...Ronald Reagan...Michael Huffington...Arnold Schwarzeneggar...Bob Dornan...David Hasselhoff...

[SlightlyRightOfTheDial]

I think you may have slightly misread the question which normally reads.

6. When parking uphill on a two-way street with no curb, your front wheels should be:

Turned to the left (toward the street).
Turned to the right (away from the street).
Parallel with the pavement.

http://www.dmv.ca.gov/pubs/interactive/tdrive/clc3written.htm

They may say that they want you to pass but this is a trick question. They don't tell you which way because the answer is the same in either case with no curb.

This is form the DMV handbook

Parking On A Hill

When you park headed downhill, turn your front wheels into the curb or toward the side of the road. Set the parking brake.

When you park headed uphill, turn your front wheels away from the curb and let your vehicle roll back a few inches until the rear of one front wheel gently touches the curb. Then set the parking brake.

For either uphill or downhill parking, if there is no curb, turn the wheels toward the side of the road so the car will roll away from the center of the road if the brakes fail.

http://driversed.com/CA-DMV-Handbook/dmv-laws.aspx

[scott]

Inneresting. You may be absolutely right, and it’s possible that I simply misread the question. Would certainly not be the first time I misread something. Good thing I don’t have to make my living by reading! I’d be in big trouble!

But in this case I don’t think that’s what happened. As you said, it’s worded one way online. My recollection is that the bit mentioning the curb was not on the actual written test. Had it been, I suspect—at least, I certainly hope—that the DMV employee I discussed that specific question with would have pointed out that the presence of the lack of a curb changes the question in, uh...question. He did not do so. So perhaps he misread it as well. Or perhaps the written test omitted that curb clause in a way that the online test did not.

[fish]

Thinking about it, I had come to the same answer as SROTD mentions. I hadn't thought about the issue of using a curb. Curbless, the wheels would always be turned so the car would roll onto the sidewalk instead of onto the street. Same way uphill or down.

[DT]

I have a cousin living in Nova Scotia who recently wrote a book called "Existential Motifs in California Motor Vehicle Registration and Testing Statutes." It was a sequel to his first book, "BLANK All Of You: The Gene Rayburn Story." Perhaps he can be of some help here.

[Lois Fundis]

I don't know about California, but in the West Virginia Driver Licensing Handbook -- which I have handy right here on my desk (the trick to being a Reference Librarian is Always Knowing Where Your Reference Books Are) -- says:

"Parking on Hills
1) Down hill-Turn wheels to curb
2) Up hill-(With Curb)-Turn wheels to curb
3) Down hill-(No Curb)-Turn wheels right

If you park or stop on a grade, turn the front wheels to the curb side of the highway so the car will not roll. ..."

It then goes on to remind you to set the emergency brake, and to park in the proper gear: Park (automatic) or Reverse (manual) whether downhill or uphill). Nothing about how many lanes there are to the street; that part sounds to me like a red herring.

Anyway, congratulations on passing your test.

[scott]

Nothing about how many lanes there are to the street; that part sounds to me like a red herring.

No! Impossible! They wanted me to pass! They said so!!!

[Ed]

They mail your driver license to you? That I find odd...