Lonely at the Top at the Bottom in the Middle on the Outskirts

It can be lonely being me.

I know what you’re thinking. How on earth can I, the idol of millions…thousands…hundreds? Okay, scores. Well, dozens. Okay. One. The Boy idolizes me. I’ll take what I can get.

Anyhoo, how can I be lonely when my house is never less than seemingly packed to the rafters? It’s because I don’t fit in anywhere.

Now, I’m used to that. I didn’t fit in with my family much growing up. All four of my siblings were a year apart but then I was the youngest, three and a half years younger than Brother John, a mighty big gap at that age. They were into sports. I was into reading and music. They were cool. I was a geek. They worked hard in school. I refused to do homework and, on one memorable occasion, simply refused to take a test.

(That one blew Dad’s mind. Looking back on it now, I can see why. But, I mean, seriously, who the hell cared what Uruguay’s major exports were? Other than Uruguayans and those who wanted to import stuff from Uruguay? At the age of thirteen, I most certainly did not fit into any of those categories.)

Later, my remarkable propensity to avoid doing work actually led the Dean of Students at my college to explain that I wasn’t allowed to come back the next semester, largely owing to the 1.2 GPA I’d achieved—that remarkable number translates to three C’s and two F’s for those keeping score at home. The dean "suggested" I take some time off and decide if I really wanted to be a student. After working two jobs, one of them literally digging ditches, something to which I was certainly not physically suited, and taking three classes at a branch of UConn, even knowing the credits wouldn’t transfer, and being cut off from all my high school and college friends, I thought, oh yeah—I really, really want to be a college student.

But I digress. My point being that none of my college friends failed out of college. None of my high school friends failed out of college. And my siblings damn sure didn’t fail out of college.

I’ve never had a friend who liked Shostakovich. Or one who really dug Miles. Or Sonic Youth.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m on some desert island friendically. I’ve had friends who loved the Beatles and Bruce Springsteen and U2. I’ve had plenty of friends who love Monty Python and Batman and Scrubs and going for long drives where you try to get lost and then try to find your way back home again.

But I’ve never had a friend who quite clicked totally. Hell, I’ve never even met someone who did, much less liked them. Although, obviously, if I had, they would have liked me. I mean, that goes without saying, right? Right.

Here’s the thing. I’m about as left-wing a liberal as they come. I’m not just pro-environment (polls consistently show that the overwhelming majority of even Republicans are greener than the Democratic party, never mind their own party), I actually used to work for an environmentalist lobbying group; that’s right, I was one of them annoying folks what showed up at your door at dinner time to tell you how polluted your local river was and can I have some money to help fix it? (And I got it too—and, interestingly, the batting average got way higher the less wealthy the neighborhood; you didn’t need to tell these blue-collar joes their river was polluted since they’d been fishing it for fifty years and had seen the difference.)

I’ve never gotten stoned, never even seen the majority of drugs and yet I’m all for the legalization of them, believing our drug policy is unbelievably asinine, does nothing but hurt innocents and enriches the evil and powerful and all stems historically from a big business playing on racism to achieve their own nefarious ends. I’m for incredibly strict gun control. I’m against any kind of censorship.

I believe there’s not one compelling case to be made for the death penalty, ethically, morally, economically or practically, and at least a half-dozen strong cases against it. I’m for affirmative action, believing that the American Dream isn’t achievable if we don’t all start from the same point and that, alas, at this point in our history we’re still not quite all there yet.

I’m for higher and progressive taxation believing that the more you have the more you owe morally but that the more you benefit economically from others also being raised up. I’m in favor of gay rights which, really, just mean making sure they have the same rights as any other American and not special rights as is sometimes erroneously and maliciously claimed. If I’m leaving any major issues out, it’s probably safe to assume I’m with my liberal brethren on that too.

Except for one. I’m pro-life. I’m all about the civil liberties and who’s more in need of protection than those who can’t protect themselves?

And if you think being a fan of Shostakovich and Sonic Youth can get lonely in rural Virginia, it’s nothing compared to being a pro-life Democrat.

All of my liberal friends are pro-choice. All my pro-life friends are conservatives. And the thing is, it’s easy to find pro-choice conservatives: the worst of both worlds, as that means they’re wrong about absolutely everything. The one thing—the one damn thing—their party gets right and that’s the issue they depart on. Never fails. People, man.

This means that I know whenever I post anything other than a cute story about the kids, I’m almost guaranteed to bore or piss off a goodly percentage of Left of the Dial’s regular readers. Pal Dave asked me if that ever makes me nervous. It doesn’t exactly make me nervous but it doesn’t make me happy either. I guess maybe it bums me out a little, but hey. There’re worse things. It is what it is and I yam what I yam. What can I say? As Van the Man said, and Paul Westerberg later echoed, it’s too late to turn back now. (Here we go.)

So. If you sometimes wonder why I’m such a curmudgeonly bastard, maybe this is at least part of the reason. It’s because I don’t really fit in anywhere and never have. There are lots of folks with whom I agree on this, that or t’other thang, but no one in this entire world I match up with perfectly.

Well, except, of course for Top Management. Which is why I quit my dream job in order to stay home with her and the kids. We may and do live pretty damn near the poverty line. But at least there’s one person in this whole wide world who gets me, gets how I can be down with most of the Greenpeace agenda and yet against Planned Parenthood, how I’m with Alito on Roe v. Wade yet wish he weren’t such a lying bastard and hope he doesn’t get confirmed because, in general, I think our Supreme Court justices shouldn’t be lying bastards who’ll say absolutely anything to get a gig as this jerk clearly is and clearly will. She groks how I’m all for stem cell research but against embryonic stem cell research even though I’ve got two kids who it’s not inconceivable (no pun intended) could benefit from that research. She understands that our pro-life acquaintances are too religious for my tastes and that our liberal friends are so tragically misguided on this one.

So it’s just the two of us. Which means it’s still kinda lonely sometimes. But at least we get to be lonely together. And since there’s nothing else I’d rather do than be with her, even if it means we’re being lonely together, that’s okay.

So if there’s anyone out there who doesn’t have someone to be lonely with, there’s my New Year’s Wish for you—that you find someone you can be lonely with. Having someone huddling in the bunker with you makes everything bearable. And sometimes a whole, whole lot better’n that.

Now I just gotta work on getting her to appreciate Miles. Or at least Shostakovich. Sonic Youth, I’m thinkin’, is a bridge too far. But one can always hope. After all, what are the odds I’d have found her in the first place? And what are the odds that she’d be so perfect and yet still have this one weird blind spot and fall for me? If that can happen, just about anything can.

Comments

[sam]

I like Tchaikovsky and Hank Williams and Outkast.
I also see your point on the choice or life issue. I haven't as successfully concluded anything though. I can't accept that abortion is okay, but I can accept the issue of control of one's body. Mostly I feel that girls and women need better tools so that abortion truly is an emergency option.
I also hate that so few people seem to truly consider the issue. Too often people seem to jump on a side based on their political leanings and regurgitate the arguements. The rhetoric, phrases such as "anti choice" or "pro death" only seem to make the issue more divided.

[Karen E.]

We wish we could have you and Top M. over to dinner, so we could all be pro-life, liberal outcasts together. We feel the same way, although I don't think Atticus has ever listened to Sonic Youth (we do like Van Morrison, though ....)

Re. Sam -- your comments about a woman controlling her body and abortion being an emergency option arise from compassion but it's a misguided compassion. The numbers of post-abortive women who are speaking out about how abortion destroyed them are rising, and I believe the numbers (of women who would attest to that) would be staggeringly close to the actual number of abortions if most women didn't feel the need to keep their abortions secret. Real feminism (for example, the Catholic Church, and Feminists for Life -- strange bedfellows, but in sync on this one) acknowledges that abortion wounds women deeply. Even in the hard cases, taking the baby's life doesn't right the other wrongs (I have a relative who became pregnant after a rape and carried the baby to term ... she's an awesome example of such courage and selflessness. The "product of rape" is now a pretty well-adjusted young man who was adopted by a wonderful couple after his birth.)

An abortion never solves problems ... it just creates new ones.

[Scott]

I like Tchaikovsky and Hank Williams and Outkast.

That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Yeah, baby.

I can't accept that abortion is okay, but I can accept the issue of control of one's body.

I couldn’t agree more, Sam. But having been involved in the whole conception process several times (apologies for the unpleasant images that’s sure to spawn…so to speak), I can tell you that both the folks involved had control over their bodies. That’s what created them new life forms. There was no mystery (although considerable majesty, thank you very much). Persons A and B knew that Act X could lead to Person C. They chose to go ahead with Act X anyway.

It seems fairly simple (though extremely emotional) to me: I agree that women should have control over their bodies. And in the overwhelming majority of cases, they do and did. In fact, in at least two incredibly memorable instances, oh my, did she ever. (Again, my apologies. But if it’s any consolation, Top Management’s going to hit me really, really hard when she reads that. She embarrasses easily. You’d think she’d have had better sense than to marry me and then, moreover, engage in Act X. Repeatedly. Her mistake.)

If you don’t want to get pregnant and/or are not willing to carry the baby to term, don’t have sex (aka Act X). It’s not going to kill you to not to. Yes, it’s going to feel like you’re going to die. But you’re not really.

So when it comes to a woman’s right to choose what she does with her body, no one’s interested in stopping her from having sex. (Well, other than her father, maybe.) There’s the choice right there. But if she does indeed choose to have sex, she’s got to be willing to accept what that means. And what that means is that another person enters the picture and your choices are now much more limited. If you’re not willing to accept that possibility, then don’t choose to go down that road.

Mostly I feel that girls and women need better tools so that abortion truly is an emergency option.

I’m so with you. That’s what drives me insane about the pro-life movement. As I’ve mentioned in previous rants, it unfortunately truly seems even to me, a guy who’s on their side, like most of them care more about the battle than the goal. That they care more about changing the law than saving lives. If they truly wanted to get rid of abortion, they’d work much, much, much harder at making it easier for women who might be tempted to get an abortion to instead carry the baby to term. But the only ones who seem to care about things like comprehensive pre- and post-natal care and child care are liberals. Who, of course, are pro-choice. (Except for us outcasts.)

I also hate that so few people seem to truly consider the issue. Too often people seem to jump on a side based on their political leanings and regurgitate the arguments.

Yup. I read a study once that said most people in this country, around the time they’re in the late teens, look around and decide which political party most closely conforms to their own beliefs, taking into account the affiliations of their family members and friends. They then start to think of themselves as Democrat or Republican or Libertarian or Green or whatever. But the thing is, once they’ve put themselves in whatever camp they decide, their beliefs begin to change to more closely mirror whichever party they’ve decided to join. So if you’re slightly left of center and decide that makes you a liberal, you begin to think of yourself as a liberal. And as the years go by, your positions tend to slide further and further to the left, and the same goes with those on the right.

Now, this is obviously when we’re speaking about the population as a whole. We’re all going to know exceptions to the rule. In fact, I suspect we all like to think ourselves exceptions to the rule and, hey, let’s be honest—if you’re reading Left of the Dial, you’re exceptional already.

But, amongst other things, this explains why the exact same folks who said the president must be impeached for perjury are so curiously silent now that a president from the other party has admitted breaking not just the law but pissing on the constitution and doing so in a most defiant fashion.

But I reckon that’s a rant for another time.

[Steve the LLamabutcher]

Sonic Youth rule. As do the Clash, and boy have I gotten raised eyebrows pulling into The Neighborhood with the Pixies playing at much too high a decible. Miles is okay, but I'm more of a John Coltrane guy. And I like Gershwin, so sue me.

As for the feeling the exile, I can empathize.

[Scott]

Sonic Youth rule.

Man. I’ve loved them for fifteen years or whatever, but I really do think their last three albums are amongst the best they’ve ever done. Maybe not better than Daydream Nation or Dirty or Washing Machine, but right up there. So different and yet so consistent and just so great.

As do the Clash, and boy have I gotten raised eyebrows pulling into The Neighborhood with the Pixies playing at much too high a decible.

Well, now, is that what it’s like to be an adult for folks our age? We’ve still got the rock and roll blasting, but rather than tearing down the road, now we drive slowly in our minivans with our eyes peeled for kids.

Miles is okay,

!

but I'm more of a John Coltrane guy. And I like Gershwin, so sue me.

I was driving over the mountain from Waynesboro the other night with ‘Trane’s Ascension blaring. The weather was pretty lousy—it was snowing up on top—so I was being a bit more cautious than usual. And I thought, wow, if something were to happen and the cops found me unconscious (or worse) behind the wheel and the CD was still playing, I’d be willing to bet they’d lay at least some of the blame on the tunes. :)