Left of the Dial

What's That Line Now?

I've never even heard of this show. Is it still on? I know not. But I know I surely do dig this clip. 

Stephen Colbert’s The Wørd: Priceless

So my second-favorite Catholic had a piece last night which was great, even by his standards: 

Folks, everybody knows I’m a huge fan of market forces.  It’s always bugged me when people say you can’t put a monetary value on human life.  Of course you can!

That’s why I demand ransom for the release of my summer interns.  Pay up, mom and dad!

Well, it turns out there is an exact monetary value of human life.  It is a number calculated by government actuaries based on risk assessment and payroll figures that is used to decide whether life saving regulations are worth paying for.  For example, let’s say there’s proposed legislation that will require inspecting possibly tainted Chinese shrimp.  And, let’s further say that regulation would cost $100 million, and if you don’t inspect the shrimp, 100 people could die at a seafood restaurant.

Now, if you value…if you value those 100 people at a million dollars each, the benefit is equal to the cost, so the regulation’s worth it.  But, if you value them at less than a million dollars each, well, the cost outweighs the benefit.  Now, I happen to think—and this is just me—I happen to think tainted shrimp adds an element of danger to the appetizer course.  It’s like skydiving with cocktail sauce.

Now, the Environmental Protection Agency uses numbers like this to decide whether to regulate things like pollution.  And five years ago, they estimated that a human life was worth $7.8 million, but recently they lowered that to $6.9 million dollars.  

That’s right, under the Bush administration, human life has become a million dollars cheaper.   
 This…this is great news. Because the lower the value of human life, the less it pays to protect it with regulations.  That might be why last week the EPA chose not to regulate greenhouse gases.  It’s just not worth it with human life at such bargain basement prices.

But we can get those prices lower.

By devaluing life, they’ve made it less likely to regulate water and air quality.  And the worse the water and air quality get, the less life is worth living, which further devalues life, which makes it even less likely to regulate water and air quality.  It’s like the circle of life.  

And that’s great, that’s great.  You see, while they may have lowered the value of a person, the EPA has given us something worth a lot more.  Because a human life: $6.9 million; gaming the system to protect industry from safety regulations: Priceless.  

WGA

Solidarity with my brothers! (And sisters!)

Word.

Top Ten George W. Bush Moments

From this year's White House Correspondents' Association dinner.

It's really good to see Tony Snow's up and around.

Also, Number Eight? So should have been in the Top Two. Although it's hard to argue with a loogie.

I Don't Like Katie Couric

I’m sure that’s going to cause her to lose oh so many nights of sleep.

I used to like Katie Couric. This may have been due to the fact that throughout the 90s—I have no idea when she first became a well-known television personality, nor when she first came across my radar, although I suspect the former was several years before the latter—I saw, I’d guess, maybe an hour of her per year. For the first five or so years of that decade, I didn’t have a television set, so I wasn’t really likely to spend much time watching television. And even once I did get a set, it was old and small and the power button had to be taped down to keep the damn thing turned on, [insert joke here] so watching wasn’t a regular occurrence to me. And even after we got a nice new set (thanks Diane and Murray!), I never, ever turned it on in the mornings. [insert joke here]

So, you know, Katie and I weren’t all that well-acquainted. But what wasn’t to like? She was cute as a button and pert and perky and I've always been fond of her first name. Didn’t know her well, but what I knew, I liked.

Yeah, not so much no more. Here's a bit of her interview with Elizabeth and John Edwards:

Katie Couric: Your decision to stay in this race has been analyzed, and quite frankly judged by a lot of people. And some say, what you're doing is courageous, others say it's callous. Some say, "Isn't it wonderful they care for something greater than themselves?" And others say, "It's a case of insatiable ambition." You say?

Katie Couric: Some people watching this would say, "I would put my family first always, and my job second." And you're doing the exact opposite. You're putting your work first, and your family second.

I’m not the world’s biggest John Edwards fan, although most of the stuff about him that makes me uneasy is markedly different from most the criticisms I've heard of him.

But this one? You gotta be kidding me.

First of all, this is her decision, not his, so whenever anyone talks about him using his wife's illness for political gain, the immediate response should be a very polite, “shut up, you mindless idiot.”

What the hell do people expect Elizabeth to do? Go lower the blinds, close the curtains, climb in bed, and lay there in the dark until she dies?

She’s got cancer. She’s had it before, so she knows what it means. One of the things it means is that her life is going to be more difficult than before—probably quite a bit. But it’s not over, not yet and hopefully not for a very long time. And to that end, studies have shown that keeping active, in fact, is tremendously beneficial for your health whilst undergoing treatment.

And you know what? When you’ve got cancer, life goes on. You still have to pay your bills and clean the house and run errands. You get up and get dressed and brush your teeth and go to work and come home and maybe watch some TV and go to bed and do it again. And in there you’ve got chemo or radiation or surgery or some combination of all three. But the laundry still needs to be done. Maybe it’s harder to do it, or it needs to be done more often, or you get the laundromat to do it, but somehow, you need to get the clothes cleaned. Even when you have cancer.

So. Her job is helping her husband get elected president since she clearly believes he’s the best possible candidate. Will she succeed? I don’t know and right now I don’t particularly care. But she’s doing it because it’s her job and it’s what she believes in and what parent wouldn’t want the best possible candidate to be the President of the United States? In that sense, she is unquestionably putting her family first.

Here’s my question for you, Katie: I know enough about you to know you’ve got at least one kid and maybe more. I also know enough to know that when you were on the Today show for ten years or whatever, you had to be at work at something like six o’clock in the morning.

So who got your kid up for school? Who fixed him or her breakfast and got him or her dressed and make sure he or she got on the bus on time? Because clearly it wasn’t you.

Because you were already at work.

Because you chose work over your family.

Right? Isn’t that your point?

And in the end, it doesn’t matter whether that’s what you really think Elizabeth Edwards is doing or whether you’re just parroting repulsive talking points that started being bandied about within minutes of Elizabeth's announcement. Either way, you’re uniquely unsuited to do anything but defend those kinds of reprehensible smears. And if you can’t do that, you’d be much better just shutting the hell up.

This Is What's Wrong with Our Country

Seriously, no exaggeration—this truly may sum up everything that's the matter with this great nation of ours:

NBC’s Nightly News devoted 14 seconds to Iraq compared to 3 minutes and 13 seconds to Anna Nicole [Smith]. CNN referenced Anna Nicole 522% more frequently than it did Iraq. MSNBC was even worse — 708% more references to Anna Nicole than Iraq.

The lop-sided coverage largely ignored many key developments in Iraq, including the sixth downing of a U.S. helicopter in the past three weeks, the allegations that a deputy Iraqi health minister was aiding a Shiite militia in its attacks against U.S. troops, and the death of four Marines.

Did you know Anna Nicole Smith had died?
Did you know that six US helicopters have been shot down in Iraq in just the past three weeks?
Which have you heard more about?
Which is more important: i.e., bigger news?

Let's mention that again: six US helicopters have been shot down in Iraq in just the past three weeks.

At this point in time it's unclear whether the insurgents have new weaponry or simply new tactics. Either way, big honkin' news, considering that IEDs have made helicopters the safest way to travel in that region.

Or they were.

I think it may very seriously be time to investigate revoking or amending the broadcasting licenses for the networks. Let FoxNews keep going, since at least it doesn't even pretend to be news, any more than Entertainment Tonight does, but yank NBC's Nightly News and its repulsive ilk right the hell off the air.

…okay, okay, okay, I don't think I really mean that. But, dammit, I'm so tired of this.

Call Me Sir, Dammit!

Okay, so that's actually from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. So frack me.

You scored as Capt. Lee Adama (Apollo). You have spent your life trying to life up to and impress your Dad, shame he never seemed to notice. You are a stickler for the rules. But in matters of loyalty and honour you know when they have to be broken. Capt. Lee Adama (Apollo) 88% Tom Zarek 75% CPO Galen Tyrol 63% Lt. Sharon Valerii (Boomer) 56% President Laura Roslin 56% Dr Gaius Baltar 38% Number 6 38% Commander William Adama 38% Col. Saul Tigh 19% Lt. Kara Thrace (Starbuck) 6% What New Battlestar Galactica character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Okay, so if I could have chosen any character from the show, this would indeed have prolly been the one.

But my daddy loves me! He does! He does!

Lobotomy Wins!

So Top Management and I started watching “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” a month or so ago, several episodes into the run. This weekend I noticed a “Studio 60” marathon was being run, so I DVR’d the episodes we’d missed. But I only caught the second half of the premiere, which means I missed the key rant they then spent the rest of the episode talking about.

God bless YouTube.

And the answer, incidentally, is: yes.

Duh.

Commercial Art

Well, it’s no surprise when Top Management beats me to the punch on something. But on a pair of videos I’d planned on posting about myself? I mean, that’s just rude. That hurts. That hurts a lot.

Okay, no it doesn’t, not really. The fact that she buried in the videos in a long post that’s much better and funnier than anything I could have written? Now that does hurt. But I resigned myself to accepting her far superior talent long, long ago. [The impossibly perfect wench.]

Anyhoo, here are the videos, both of which are pretty old and both of which I just discovered.

This first one is simply gorgeous, with a child-like air of wonder and just a tinge of melancholy…although maybe that’s just me. It’s a big file and it takes a while to load, but it’s worth it. also, I think the screen says it somewhere, but apparently, it’s real, and they used 10,000 of ‘em. (Is the ambiguity of that sentence a strong selling point?)

This second one…well, you’ve simply got to see it to believe it. It's also high-res, so it takes a while to load, but your life will be better forevermore. My stomach hurt after the first time I saw it and the second time I realized I was actually crying. What I wouldn’t give to have been in that room the first time it was screened for the clients…

The Worst Chrismahkwanzakah Specials Ever?

So I wrote a while back about our family's traditional Chrismahkwanzakah viewing. This year I Tivo'ed a bunch of Christmas specials, the ones we don't have on tape. The problem is that they don't always end right when they're supposed to—a television trend I'm really starting to hate—so most of them are missing their last ninety seconds—and them's some purty important seconds.

I mean, for instance [SPOILER WARNING!] when I had the foresight to check "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" before watching it with the kids, I found that our Tivo'ed version ends on the Island of Misfit Toys with the poor toys lamenting that, once again, Santa had let them down, left them hangin', in the lurch, both high and dry.

That's the way our version ends. Just boom, end o' tale, before the fat man shows up for his long-delayed slice of sweet and undeserved redemption. Sniff sniff, waaah, nobody likes, everyone thinks we're losers, the screen freezes and that's that. Happy Chrismahkwanzakah, kids! Sweet dreams! G'nite!

[Actually, I'm half-tempted to show it to the girls, just to see what their reactions would be.]

Anyhoo, here are some stunningly bad Christmas specials, even if you watch 'em all the way to the bitter end. (Or so others seem to think.)

You know Charlie and Snoopy and Linus and Lucy, Rudolph and Ralphie and Frosty and Grinchy.

But do you recall the most horrible holiday films of all?

Not every Christmas movie or television special becomes an enduring classic, destined for annual repeats and holiday marathons.

In fact, many of these ill-fated attempts at Christmas cheer aren’t even available on DVD. They’ve been forgotten like misfit toys, and justly so.

Here are our picks for the 10 worst Christmas movies and TV specials. Beware — they’re pure jingle hell.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
The Citizen Kane of bad Christmas films, this bizarre 1964 sci-fi fantasy finds Santa Claus being kidnapped by Martians to bring cheer to the children of Mars. One of the Martian kids was portrayed by a 10-year-old Pia Zadora, who “never got much taller,” according to the wisecracking crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Available on DVD, the MST3K version is a hilarious rip on the awful, low-budget film. “What is it?” shrieks an Earth girl being pursued at the North Pole by a Martian robot. “It’s a guy in a cardboard box with a coffee urn on his head,” replies MST3K’s Joel Robinson.

The Star Wars Holiday Special
If you thought Jar Jar Binks was bad, check out this 1978 CBS holiday special spinoff of the original Star Wars film. Better yet, don’t. “This is some of the most painful television ever created,” said a review on the Web site, Oh, the Humanity! Most notable for introducing the cult character Boba Fett, this special featured the film’s cast, plus such guest stars as Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur. Carrie Fisher, deep into her hard-partying days, sang a “Life Day” carol based on the Star Wars theme. “If this isn’t an argument for getting people off drugs, I don’t know what is,” the reviewer wrote. Bootleg clips can be found online at YouTube.com.

Babes in Toyland
The oft-filmed Victor Herbert operetta was translated to Cincinnati in this 1986 TV movie musical that starred Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves and Pat Morita. It featured “jaw-droppingly awful musical numbers,” according to eFilmCritic.com’s Collin Souter. Barrymore, who was drinking and doing drugs by age 12, played a little girl who bumps her head and wakes up in Toyland on Christmas Eve. “Historically interesting,” Souter wrote, “if only to gaze into Barrymore’s drug-addled, bloodshot eyes or to watch Keanu drive around in a pink, flowery go-cart … before singing about the joys of Ohio.”

Christmas Comes to Pac-Land
This 1982 cartoon special starring Pac-Man and his family was a crass attempt to cash in on the video-game craze. It was named the second worst holiday programming ever, after the Star Wars fiasco, in Television Without Pity’s 752 Things We Love to Hate (and Hate to Love) About TV. “This holiday special’s across-the-board suckitude remains seared into our memories like a brand,” the authors wrote. Trying to capitalize on Pac-Man fever is one thing, they noted, but not when the poorly animated characters look nothing like the original. “How hard is it to animate a circle with a pie piece cut out of it?”

Jack Frost
Michael Keaton, as a mediocre blues singer who neglects his son, is killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. How’s that for a cheery premise? But wait, it gets better. Keaton’s character, named Jack Frost, is reincarnated a year later as his son Charlie’s snowman. He attempts to make up for lost time with Charlie, which allows the makers of this 1998 slushball to shovel on the sentiment. However, he also has to contend with the whole melting thing. “OK, I’m back, but why a snowman?” Keaton asks. “Is it the name Jack Frost? Because that’s not even clever, that’s cheesy.” You said it, Jack.

Silent Night, Deadly Night
Forget the lump of coal. Naughty people get punished by an ax-wielding psycho wearing a Santa suit in this controversial 1984 slasher film, which prompted protests at theaters where it was shown. Heavy on bloodshed and gratuitous nudity, it was a box-office success and spawned four sequels. The story follows a young boy named Billy, who is fearful of Santa’s wrath. As an adult, Billy deals with his issues by donning a red suit and chanting “Naughty! Punish!” as he dispatches sexually active teens. “What’s next?” asked film critic Leonard Maltin. “The Easter Bunny as a child molester?”

Surviving Christmas
A contemporary stab at the worst Christmas movie of all time, this 2004 comedy starred Ben Affleck as a spoiled millionaire who hires a suburban Chicago clan to be his family at Christmas time. Ben forces the likes of Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini) to wear a Santa hat — but sadly, he doesn’t get whacked. “So dreadful, Fox released it theatrically in October just so they could put it out of its misery by releasing it on video the following December,” said eFilmCritic’s Souter.

Eight Crazy Nights
Adam Sandler’s 2002 animated gross-out musical-comedy celebrates the Festival of Lights, whose candles should have been used to torch the master print. Sandler provides the voice of Davey Stone, a drunk who is ordered by a judge to spend the holiday performing community service as the assistant referee for a youth basketball league. His redemption involves lots of potty humor, including one character rolling down a hill in a portable toilet. “A holiday film for the whole family,” wrote the Chicago Reader’s J.R. Jones, “provided the whole family is obsessed with human waste.”

Jingle All the Way
Arnold Schwarzenegger dashes through the snow on Christmas Eve in hapless pursuit of an action figure for his son. But laughs are even harder to find in this distressing 1996 slapstick farce, whose box-office failure started Schwarzenegger’s descent from A-list status. Now California’s governor, Schwarzenegger has yet to live down the holiday turkey. When his four ballot measures were rejected by California voters in November 2005, Tonight Show host Jay Leno quipped: “This has to be the worst day Arnold’s had since that movie Jingle All the Way came out.”

Kathie Lee Gifford’s Christmas specials
Regis Philbin’s former Live co-host starred during the 1990s in annual CBS holiday specials that featured her husband, Frank Gifford, and their children. Washington Post television critic Tom Shales probably clinched his Pulitzer Prize with his scathing reviews of them. Shales called 1995’s Kathie Lee: Home for Christmas, “a sickeningly saccharine vanity production that should really have been titled O Come, Let Us Adore Me.” Her 1998 outing, Kathie Lee Gifford: Christmas Every Day, led him to ask: “What’s the difference between the 24-hour flu and a Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas special? Twenty-three hours.”

Now, personally, I think those reviews are way, way off. I mean, sure, I've never actually seen any of the masterworks in question, but why on earth would that stop me from forming an opinion about 'em?

Because, please! Come on! I wanna know just what kinda crack-addled maroon wouldn't love to watch a young and coked-out Drew Barrymore cavorting with a young and florally-vehicled Keanu Reeves? Jeez louise, how can that possibly be anything but transcendent? Put those two together and you obviously can't help but think, "Now that's Christmas, baby!"

And there are actually people who think there's a war on Christmas because some folks prefer to be charitable and wish others a Happy Holidays. Why, all they need to do is look back upon these golden nuggets of cinematic goodness from yesteryear—and todayear, in some cases—and see that, if there is a war (and there's not), it started long, long ago. And the whole Happy Holidays thing? It ain't even a strategic feint, much less a skirmish.

Princess Leia singing? Oh, thank you, Kris Kringle! Obviously, you agree I've been very, very good this year.