Left of the Dial

Reading Is Fundamental

So I reckon most of us have seen this portion of the interview Sarah Palin did with Katie Couric a while back. But I, at least, hadn't seen this entire segment and, I have to admit, it changed my view of the exchange. 

Swing 'Em Home

I Hate Sports

I’m done with sports.

I have more than enough real agita in my life, I certainly don’t need to go borrowing extra, stress that’s not even real. I know from real stress, and who wins or doesn’t win the Super Bowl isn’t real, not for me. It is for the actual teams involved. Not for me.

And it gets too solid a hold on me. I’ve had trouble sleeping before some games, and then the day of, my life—my entire family’s life—often revolves around that game. Which is stupid, and it’s not the sort of life I want to lead. I don’t want to be in a three-day funk after a bad loss, like last year’s conference finals against Indy. I mean, if I wanted to have to deal with losers, I’d have even more to do with Top Management’s first husband. And I don’t think anyone really wants that. (Other than The Boy; he seems to think the guy’s pretty groovy but then, he’s kind of a lemon. Well, both of them are, really.)

Pal Dave called to offer what he thought were congratulations, understandably assuming I was a New York fan, and I was so down I could barely do more than mutter disjointed syllables, despite the fact that this was the first time we'd talked in over a year. I mean, what the hell—that's pretty impressively uncool of me, even for me, and yet there 'tis.

So I’m going to try giving up sports, because I’m not really much of a moderation person: I find it much easier to simply do without than to do a little. So I’m going to see what happens when I go cold turkey. If nothing else, I’ll have some extra time every day. Although watching Pardon the Interruption with Max and The Boy is an awfully pleasant way to wind down the day...

No! Stop that.

So, yes, I know, I’m going to be tempted to slip when the NBA post-season starts up, now that things have gotten even more interesting in the West with the Lakers’ acquisition of Gasol and the East having two of the half-dozen best teams in the league. But I’ll try to be strong. I’ll try to channel that time and interest into, I dunno, watching The Wire or studying for my class or, and here’s a novel thought, paying attention to my family.

Yeah, probably the The Wire. Until we run out of episodes we haven’t seen.

Blurg.

Me and Tom

So I’m doing a little high-brow reading when Senator Smoosh comes down to the sunroom to play. She glances up at the screen and says, “Daddy. Dootbaw.”

I like to think it’s yet another sign of her brilliance. And that it just show how much she enjoys cuddling with me and watching the game on Sunday. Or that, like so many other people, she understandably gets me and Tom Brady confused, the pair of us being extraordinarily similar in that we're both carbon-based lifeforms with Y chromosomes. And that it’s not simply that, like Top Management, she pretty much wishes Tom Brady were really her father.

Not that I can really blame either of 'em.

Bye-Bye Barry

It's a good day.

Barry Bonds, Major League Baseball's all-time home-run leader, was charged with perjury and obstruction of justice for allegedly lying to a grand jury about using steroids.

It would have been nice if it’d happened a few years earlier, but I’ll take what I can get.

Asterisk

This makes me happy. Well, less unhappy.

Go. Vote early, vote often. And not to try to sway you or influence you in any way or nothin', but vote for B.

2007 NFL Predictions

Pal DT and I were discussing the upcoming season. Suddenly, the following appeared in my inbox:

PREDICTIONS FOR THE 2007 FOOTBALL SEASON

The Patriots will win their 4th Super Bowl, defeating the Philadelphia Eagles 27-20 in a rematch of three years ago. Tom Brady will appear to be even more of a stud than people thought possible, particularly after he outplays Peyton Manning in the AFC Championship Game.

Randy Moss will be a model citizen this year and play spectacularly, endearing himself to Pats fans everywhere. One week after the Super Bowl victory, he will be arrested for setting fire to a crowded school bus.

Rodney Harrison will arrive fresh from his 5-game suspension for using HGH ready to play, looking like Jimmie Walker.

In San Diego, Norv Turner will actually devise a play in which the Chargers score in the wrong endzone.

Shawn Merriman will do his sack dance with the Chargers trailing 37-14 and will be felled by snipers.

In an attempt to boost dormant fan interest, the Houston Texans will introduce Cousin Oliver.

In Cincinnati, Carson Palmer will actually throw a first down pass without having the ball leave his hand. He'll simply reach 10 yards down field and hand the ball to Chad Johnson.

Chad Johnson will later be whistled for delay of game following his newest touchdown celebration, “The Eucharist,” in which he pantomimes administering the Sacrament to 65,000 fans, one at a time.

Later in the season, the Bengals playoff chances will be dealt a serious blow when the entire team is convicted of killing Phil Spector’s girlfriend.

Rather than be forced to play a schedule, the Cleveland Browns will be voted off the island after Week 3.

In New York, Chad Pennington's arm will remain attached to the last pass he throws in week 4, his cold fingers still clutching the ball as Laverneus Coles takes it in for a TD.

Pennington will later be listed as “day to day.” He will also be listed as a “lefty.”

The Oakland Raiders will replace longtime motto “Just win, baby!” with, “Just kidding, baby!”

In the NFC, Reggie Bush will actually take flight during a game against the Rams, gracefully soaring above the befuddled defense for 75 yards before landing safely in the end zone. The touchdown will count, but the NFL will then fine Bush $1,000 for a “gravitational violation.”

Terrell Owens will blast the city of Dallas for failing to land a professional football team, and then his leggy publicist will issue a clarification stating that TO meant to aim his anger at the city of Indianapolis.

Also in Dallas, Wade Phillips will decline at least 2 Cowboy touchdowns. Offensive tackle Flozell Adams will eat running back Julius Jones by week 9.

Detroit Lions Coach Rod Marinelli, often criticized for highly questionable coaching maneuvers, will assure fans he has a new can’t miss “secret weapon” on offense. The plan will fail when the Acme Super Catapult malfunctions, sending quarterback Jon Kitna careening into the side of a mountain. General Manager Matt Millen will respond by giving Marinelli a 5-year contract extension and drafting a wide receiver.

In New York Giants news, Jeremy Shockey will angrily claim he was misquoted...by Jeremy Shockey.

Also in New York, Eli Manning will actually poo himself in the 4th quarter of a big game, and Tiki Barber will blast Tom Coughlin for playing him at running back and for the disarming of the Iraqi military.

Trying to rebuild the Atlanta Falcons’ image following the Michael Vick embarrassment, team owner Arthur Blank will raise eyebrows when he solves his team’s quarterback controversy by ordering starter hopefuls Joey Harrington and Chris Redman to “fight to the death.”

The Arizona Cardinals, following a 5-11 season, will consider trying a new sport.

In Green Bay, Brett Favre will break a hip attempting the "Lambeau Leap."

But the Washington Redskins? They'll still suck. Which is really all that matters.

Cousin Oliver. Heh. That's teh funny.

Pro Bowl Interview

Here’s what Tony Romo—who I really like and who I think it’s going to be an outstanding quarterback for years to come, assuming (as I am) that he’s able to overcome the crushing emotional burden his fumbled hold has undoubtedly laid upon his psyche—should say in Hawaii:

“I’m so honored and happy to be here—this has been a dream of mine since I was a little boy—and I can’t thank the voters enough. To look around and see I'll be taking the field with the greatest players in the game…it’s overwhelming.

“But for me to be here and Tom Brady not to be? A guy who’s a lock for the Hall of Fame after just six seasons, who’s won three Super Bowls, being named MVP of the Super Bowl twice, and who this season had one of his finest years yet with his weakest set of receivers ever? A guy who’s one of the top five quarterbacks in the league even on what passes for a bad year by his standards?

“He doesn’t have the arm of Leftwich or Palmer or prime Favre, he can’t run like Vick or Young or prime McNabb, and he certainly doesn’t have the HoF receivers Peyton Manning’s got. All he is is a Team First guy who’s got Manning’s football smarts, and an unsurpassed ability to win when it counts most.

“And he got shut out? He got shut out. And yet here I am.

“Well, what can you say? This entire situation is only slightly more absurd than Paris Hilton being nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actress. Or maybe Ambassador to the UN.

“Oh, but, uh…thanks.”

Catch Me Now, I'm Falling

Oh my. This is kinda like that amazing play by two members of the Big Red Machine (can't remember who, alas) that used to be featured during the opening of This Week in Baseball. Only, you know, this catch actually mattered.

Passers-by catch tumbling toddler

NEW YORK (AP) -- Two passers-by rescued a toddler who fell four stories, scrambling to catch him as he tumbled from a fire escape, police said.

Julio Gonzalez, 43, and Pedro Nevarez, 40, saw 3-year-old Timothy Addo dangling from a Bronx building on Thursday, police said. The boy had crawled out of a window when his baby sitter briefly took her eyes off of him, police said.

"He was hanging on for dear life," Gonzalez said.

Hearing people in the building scream for help as the boy's grip weakened, the men rushed over to position themselves under the fire escape to catch him.

"No one came," Nevarez said. "We knew it was up to us."

The boy tumbled and hit Nevarez in the chest so hard he knocked him off balance, but he bounced into Gonzalez' arms.

Timothy was treated at the hospital for a cut on his forehead.

"He's fine. He's happy. He's smiling," said his mother, 26-year-old Katrina Cosme, who was working at the time of the accident.

Julio? Pedro? If you gentlemen are ever in the La Jolla section of San Diego, let me know—there are several good breweries around here, and I’d be delighted to buy you each the beer of your choice.

I Had the Answer for the Answer

I wrote quite a while back that I knew how to fix the Timberwolves. What's more it would have fixed the Sixers at the same time.

Neither team took my advice. The fools. And look where it got 'em.

And neither team has done squat since. And once again they're trying to fix 'em both.

They should have listened to me. Then again, everyone should. The fools.

Then again, as a fan of supergroups, even though they pretty much never produce anything of consequence, it'd be pretty groovy to see The Answer down in Miami.

But it would have been even cooler—no pun intended—to see him in Minnesota. The fools.